My name is...

... Remesh, but my real name is Balwansingh. Don't laugh please! It's a traditional Indian name, but like most Hindustan people we almost never use it and have a call name. In my case that is Remesh. It is pronounced as 'Ruh-mish'.

This is me

I wanted to write a piece about myself and my relationship with Ry, to avoid all future speculations and false statements like the comment of someone anonymous yesterday. Ryan asked me from the beginning if I wanted to be part of his weblog and he even authorized me to get into the blog and post some stuff, in case he wasn't able to, like when he was sick. Post made by him have 'Traveller' underneath and post made by me have 'Remesh B.' underneath. I purposely played a passive roll in his blog, because I am a very private person and I am not accustomed to have my life splattered on the net. Because remember, whatever goes on the net is there forever. Another reason is because of my job at a highly regarded company. There are just certain things I have to be very careful with. So there no big secrecy thing going on.

So about me: I was born in Paramaribo in Suriname and moved to Holland when I was 8 with my parents. I have 5 brothers and 1 sister and I am the baby of the family. Since I came to Holland to live, I've lived almost my entire life in Papendrecht, a small town near Dordrecht. When I was 19 I got married to a 19 year old girl called Radha. Within the Suriname-Hindustan community it was customary to get married as soon as you found a boyfriend/girlfriend. Within a year my first son Arun was born. 2 years after my daughter Shayenne was born.

I started my working life working for PTT Post (now TNT Post) as a delivery man. In the meantime I was going to school at night to obtain my Bachelors degree. After 2 years I started to work at the PTT distribution center near Schiphol as a Supervisor and then Manager. One day my oldest brother, Mon... (who Ry wrote about in a previous post) alerted me that KLM Cargo was looking for people. Mon was working as a mechanic for KLM Engineering & Maintenance at Schiphol-Oost at that time. I apllied and got a job as an Account Manager. By accident my 3rd child arrived. Arshay. It's a combo of the name Arun and Shayenne and it was them who came up with the name.

My kids and me in Nice

I worked at KLM Cargo for 2 years. While I was there Ryan came to work with us for 2 months while doing a project for Air France Consulting on the integration of KLM Cargo and Air France Cargo. I'll be honest... Ryan thought I was arrogant and strange and I thought he was full of himself. It didn't click at all! While I got along well with the 3 other consultants from AFC, Ry and I avoided talking to each other alltogether, except if it was really necessary! Turned out later on he just had preconceived issues with Suriname-Hindustan.

2 years later I transferred to the Air France-KLM Group in the department Management Outstations as a Senior Consultant. There is where I first met up with Ryan again. He was a Junior Consultant... and I was his senior :-). He hated that! Lol! We were working in two different teams, so we didn't have much to do with each other. Then one day the Senior Consultant of Ryan's team fell ill and I had to replace him on a duty trip to Dallas/Fort Worth. Although he tried to hide it, I could see the disgust on his face when our Manager told us we would be doing the job together (untill today, I never told him I noticed!!). On the flight to DFW and at the beginning of the trip things were very tense. He was cold and professional and I didn't dare say a word. For instance, after work we would return to the hotel and he would head straight for his room and order roomservice instead of the customary dinner you normally share with co-workers. I got really angry after a while and I confronted him about it. He said IN MY FACE: "Luister, niet slecht bedoeld, maar ik mag je gewoon niet". He didn't want to admit why or what was going on, but he said he would try his best to get along with me. From that point on things changed and at the end of the DFW job he became much friendlier towards me. At least that's the way it seemed.

Of course at a certain point in my life I realized I was gay, but I didn't know how to handle those feelings and was worried about what my parents and family would think. I also had to consider my wife and 3 kids. So, I just stuffed those feelings away. But my marriage was suffering badly. My then wife and I both married very young. We didn't get to explore life. I was away a lot due to work and saw many places in the world, while Radha was at home with the kids and had to do with just one vacation a year. I'll be honest in saying that in that time I did have a few gay experiences. I would always feel guilty afterwards and would just stuff the feelings away. There was a clear unbalance in our marriage and it was heading to a breaking point. But in the meantime we kept up with appearances for the outside world.

During this time I would get soccer tickets and invite some co-workers (including Ryan) to see some Ajax games in the Amsterdam ArenA, we would go out for drinks after work, go-karting, bowling etc. etc. But of all the co-workers at AF-KL, Ry and I developed a connection. Nothing sexual or romantic, but he became a real good friend that I could talk to. One day I was keeping a birthday party for myself and I invited Ryan to my home. The look he gave me...! He was looking at me as if I was crazy. Ha ha ha! I'll never forget that look. Eventually I left the choice up to him to come or not. And he showed up... the only black person among Hindustan... the people Ryan oh so liked! Ha ha! From that point on he came to my house for dinner and I to his and his then boyfriend Rob for dinner. At that point there was nothing remotely romantic going on.

Let's fast forward a year or so after: one day after one of our many arguments Radha came to me and said she had enough. Although she still loved me, her love has changed and was now different. She loved me, because I was the father of her children. But not as a husband. I felt the same. We cried together, but decided the best thing to do is divorce after 14 years of marriage. And for the 14 years we were married, the divorce was finalized in 2 months. It was hard on the kids and the family was shocked, because they all thought all was going well. But the truth finally came out.

I drowned myself in work. During a project that Ry and I were doing together I broke down one day and told him about my problems. I confided in him that I was gay. We talked and slowly but surely he helped me come out the closet to my ex-wife, family and kids. Surprisingly it was excepted very well by all. And I am gratefull for that to this day.

Then Ryan and Rob called it quits. As he explained in his blog a few years back they grew apart. Their jobs in travel played a big roll in that. So he was going through a difficult time and I was trying to be there for him as he was for me at the time I was going through my divorce.

After that crisis was over, work continued as usual. I was travelling a lot and wasn't seeing my kids enough. I was starting to look for another position within the company that wouldn't involve too much travel or no travel at all. I left Outstation Management and transferred to KLM Catering Services as Manager Food & Beverage for Northwest Airlines and Kenya Airways. 6 months into my new job I was approached by a headhunter out of the blue for a job at Unilever. Unilever delivered meal concepts to several airlines around the world, via its Foodsolutions department, including KLM. Names like Conimex, Bertolli and Knorr were a staple in KLM's inflight meals. They were looking for a Business Development Manager Inflight. After a lot of thought I decided to accept their offer. The salary was terrific, the benefits excellent and I would be working in Rotterdam which is only 15 minutes by car from Papendrecht. The job would involve some travel, but it would be minimal. And once every 3 months I would have to be in the London office for 2 weeks. And so I left KLM completely.

I loved my job from day one. The company culture was just my thing and things were great. But because I was working in R'dam and Ryan in Amstelveen, there would be no more lunches in the canteen or at Schiphol Plaza. I realized that I missed Ry a lot. A little too much. It was weird. Of course we called and were on Hyves and MSN often, but it was not the same. I was missing something more.

One day I was working late and I was chatting with my oldest son on MSN when I saw Ry come online. We chatted for a while and he asked me what I was doing. I told him I was still at the office and he invited me over for dinner when I was finished. It's about 6 minutes with the metro from where I work to his apartment.

And that evening was the beginning of our relationship... at least for me it was. Because as I sat across the table eating shrimp and pasta, I realized that my feelings were just more than friendship. And the truth is that I was shocked! I didn't see it coming.

But I'm tired of writing now, so I will continue another time. I think Ryan will be surprised when he reads this when he gets from work.